People are not their behaviors

Related principles:

GitLab Handbook: Address behavior, but don’t label people There is a lot of good in this article about not wanting jerks on our team, but we believe that jerk is a label for behavior rather than an inherent classification of a person. We avoid classifications. Source: GitLab Handbook: Address behavior, but don’t label people

Remove “I should” from your vocabulary.

Saying “I should” keeps you ridden with guilt. Either do the thing or don’t–it’s your choice. There are consequences to either choice, so choose the behavior with the consequences you prefer. But stop saying you should and then feeling guilty because you didn’t. That simply steals the joy of your choice.

[[Replacing Guilt - “should” is harmful]]

Shame vs Guilt

Move this under Psychology?

Shame and guilt first cousins but different. Guilt is I did a bad thing. Shame is I’m a bad person. Evaluate the act, not the person. If you universally judge yourself, that’s debilitating. But if you judge the act, you can decide to learn from it.

In the same way, other people do bad behaviors, but they can decide to learn from it.

Regret vs Disappointment

Move this under Psychology?

You can’t regret things you don’t control. You can be disappointed over them, but that’s a different emotion. You can’t regret that it rained. You can regret that you didn’t take an umbrella.

It comes down to agency. Regret is your fault. Disappointment is when circumstances change and it disadvantages you.

Copyright © 2023 Richard Morgan.